This is actually Moldova... Just go with it.
Also, I'm posting this from the airport, so I am not putting in pictures. I just want to get the writing done before I actually get home, and I'll do the pictures in the next one.
One of the girls in our group, Emma, is getting married in October, so we had a "surprise" bachelorette party with her haha. It entailed Pizza Hut and bowling! But we are in Europe, so those things are more glamorous than you would think. First off, Pizza Hut? Wow. They do it right over here. I split a big ol' cheese pizza with these cheese bites for the crust, and it was positively heavenly. It's a sit-down restaurant, so the waiter treated us so well the whole time too! So fun. Plus, any food that you can divide the price by four to get to your usual currency is good to me.
Afterwards, we went bowling in the Palas mall. It was intoxicatingly smoky in there, but we had a good time. One thing you may not know about me is that I am extremely competitive. Whether we are playing seminary scripture mastery games, soccer, cards, etc. it's kind of a problem. Anywho, bowling is sometimes difficult, because depending on the day I will be either really good or terrible. There is no in-between. Well, fortunately, I pulled out a win on our lane (one girl in the other lane beat me by a few still...). But it was really fun. Especially when I responded to a sudden and overwhelming urge to prank Maddie. As she wound up to bowl her ball, I snuck up behind her and stole it, just as she swung (doesn't sound like a real word...) it all the way back. She thought she had accidentally let go and threw it back to us, so she screamed quite loudly while the rest of us laughed equally loud. I was just relieved it worked so well, and that I hadn't ended up getting hit in the face as she swung it back to throw it.
Of course, we needed to document it, so I did it again to Emma Pusey, and it worked like a charm. See my Facebook for the video. 'Tis grand.
The next day, we went to church in the little Iasi branch for the last time. It was bittersweet and especially emotional when the sweet relief society president picked out "God Be With You Til We Meet Again" as our closing song. Tears may have been shed on my part.
And just like that, we were beginning our last full week in romania. Our last week at the hospital and orphanage. I wasn't really sure how to tackle the goodbyes. Or do everything I wanted to before leaving.
As usual, I was torn between my typical struggle between wanting to embrace every moment and wanting time to fly by.
On Monday night, Morgan and I were walking back from the store when we had our first semi-scary experience with some Romanian guys. As we walked up the sidewalk, we saw a group of three teenagers walking towards us from the opposite direction. The smallest one in the group deviate from his path to walk right towards us. As he got closer, I saw him reaching down to do something to his pants.
"No. He's not going to... Nope."
Yep. He undid his pants and pulled them down past everything and just let it all out as he got closer. Morgan and I just silently kept walking with our eyes straight ahead. The other two got closer to Morgan on her side while the pantsless one got right up in my face as I passed. We walked a little bit faster, and just as we passed them, the one who was flashing us reached around and slapped my upper chest. Not sure what he was aiming for. But we just kept walking.
As soon as we were past them I thought of so many things I could have said in Romanian instead of just being silent. I also was suddenly extremely desirous to smack the crap out of him. It's probably a very good thing that we just ignored it, but I still get feisty just writing about it. I need to be more Christlike.
My close friends know that I am an exceptionally awkward person sometimes. I just seem to be drawn into awkward situations. This summer I had a bad habit of doing embarrassing things and then finding myself in the way of a passing Romanian. Like when we wait for lunch to be delivered, and in my excitement upon seeing "Gustus catering," I throw both fists in the air and yell "YAS!" in a deep voice and walk right into a Romanian woman. Or doing an awkward dance in public and then realizing there is a Romanian family behind me trying to get through. Or walking him from the orphanage and misunderstanding the crossguard, so when he sees I'm still going, he throws up his arm and clotheslines me as I attempt to cross the street. Good times.
Oh, we had to go to the immigration office and sign a bunch of papers saying we stayed illegally in Romania without a visa. Basically, we are rebels.
Other than the orphanage and hospital, it wasn't a crazy eventful week not until we left Iasi. Our last few days were just spent packing and cleaning and stocking up on European chocolate. There was a very stressful few days when we were informed that Oreo Milka bars were only temporarily stocked, so there were no more to be found (we got some in Bucharest, don't worry). But basically, I bought a few bars every other day, stuck them in the freezer so they wouldn't melt, and totally intended to bring them home. But sometimes, I was weak. And I would eat one. And sometimes, I was impatient. So I sat on them to defrost them quicker. I know, I'm a classy individual-- hold the golf claps.
Hospital time--
We only went twice this week, instead of the usual three times, because we decided to go to the orphanage again Friday afternoon. Those in our group who go to the apartments instead of the orphanage went to the hospital in our place. So on Wednesday, we went to the hospital for the last time. For the last couple of weeks, I have been visiting the middle floors with Morgan, so other than an adorable baby, we haven't had too many "regulars." But once we finished our floors, we stopped to say goodbye to "Mario" one last time. I honestly forget what his fake name was before, but he's the one that is an orphan at a different orphanage who used to be super shy before opening up to us. He bought us hot chocolate one time.
Anywho, I was nervous he would be standoffish, since he hadn't played with me in a little while. But he looked as And instantly went into play mode. We played with his Spider-Man toy and the little polly pockets I had haha. He liked to play rather violent games with them. He is such a cutie. I was just so, so happy he played so well with us. Sabrina has been visiting him everyday, so I honestly think he is getting much better at interacting with people.
We've had a lot of incredible experiences at the hospital. I think I forgot to mention an orphan boy we found one time who just had the cutest little voice. I reached to tickle him in his crib, and he reached up to be held with the most hopeful look in his eyes, my heart just melted. He was so happy to be held, and whenever I tried to put him down again to leave, he would start crying and I'd cave and hold him more. Eventually, I really did have to leave, so I put him down in his crib. Instantly he went into one of the silent cry faces that babies do sometimes, where they don't breath or cry for a few seconds and then just let it ALL go and scream. Well, he looked like he was just doing that at first. After a few seconds, though, he still hadn't cried or breathed, and he started to turn purple. Two Romanian moms in the room ran out into the hall to get the nurses. After a few more seconds, he started to breath and cry out loud again. When the nurses and doctor came in, they asked a bunch of questions about what happened. They explained that he gets seizures when he's upset and stops breathing sometimes. So they suggested I didn't pick him up in the future, just so he wouldn't get upset when we put him down. Scary. But so cute.
Oh and that little baby in the NICU section with the skin condition (whose twin brother died from the same condition) is doing better! She looks so much healthier. Still getting treated for it, but it looks like it is less prevalent on her body at least. So that was a good thing to see.
Okay... Orphanage time. I don't really know how to do justice to this. If it weren't for the fact that years from now I'm going to want to remember all the little details, I probably wouldn't even attempt. I just know that the details I can write here won't be nearly as emotional to anyone reading this. But the details will trigger things for me later in my life, so hopefully I will always remember the things I felt this week.
Since we have been going twice a day, we were still going to the orphanage a good number of times... But every day was precious. I just was trying to memorize every child in my room. They are all so sweet and beautiful and I want all of them.
So here is what I have-- the chronicle of the kids. This is just for my memory's benefit.
"Dunkin"-- he's about two years old, and he is the half-brother of "Riana." He is tiny, and always seems so frail. He is really sensitive to movement, which makes things tricky. He LOVES being held. He will be screaming, then you pick him up and he gets the biggest smile one is face and just sort of curls up into a ball of excitement in your arms. He will smile and laugh when you bounce him around or rock him, and somehow just knows when you're sitting down. He has thrown up on me a few times, because he movement that he loves seems to also make him vomit. He has some sort of respiratory problem, so he sounds like he is wheezing a lot of the time. And he can't support his own head or body. He had visual impairments, but he can see some things that are close to hi, We started calling him "Baby Human" as a joke, and it stuck.
"Riana"-- I think she may be 6 or 7? Like her brother, she seems pretty frail and sickly most of the time. Sometimes, she is in a much happier mood than others. She is essentially blind, but she is very sensitive to touch and sounds. She does NOT like it when people touch her hands. Usually I would take a stuffed animal and teasingly bounce it up her body until I could tickle her face or neck with it. There was one lamb stuffed animal that had a rattle inside of it. I used to shake it on different sides of her head and then switch it to a new location. As I moved it faster and faster in a rattling circle around her, she would laugh so hard. Depending on the day, she would love being held or just tickled. She usually liked being pushed around in her wheely-chair/bed thing. She doesn't drink her bottle very well, and you usually have to help her open her mouth/suck.
"Clara"--- she is maybe 4 or 5? I'm really bad at remembering/guessing ages. This chica, is SO cute. I have written about her, but I don't know where/what name I gave her. She has the cutest little smile and nose and such beautiful curly hair. She is just the cutest, that's all I have to say. Not really. She is SO ticklish. She has the tendency like many of our other children to seize up-- she will clench her fists, straighten out her arms and legs stiff as rods, and then she arches her back, making it somewhat difficult to hold her. But she loves getting her muscles rubbed out, probably because they are always tight, but also because she is so ticklish. She will just laugh and laugh. She loves being held on the swing outside. She's one of the kids we feed by bottle in the room.
"Brittany"-- again, maybe 4? I really don't know. I wrote about her earlier this summer, talking about her determination to walk. She walks mostly by herself now! She has come so far, it's so exciting! She loves walking everywhere and practicing. She has a bit of a cross-eye thing going on that makes her goofy little smile even more adorable. She is a screamer, though! When she doesn't get to go where she wants. She reminds me of a tiny little T-Rex-- she walks very clomping and wobbly, with her little arms up in front of her, usually while shrieking. She is so cute though haha. She loved when I took her on the trampoline one afternoon.
"Luke"-- talk about a babe. He is 3, I believe. He has dark skin and dark hair and eyelashes some girls would pay for. He can walk on his own, but he sometimes loses balance and topples over. Usually, if he is laying down he begins doing his "thing"-- not sure what to call it. He basically puts both hands on his head and rocks back and forth repeatedly. It has to do with his autism, I think. Apparently, he was taken to a foster home, but the orphanage took him back when they found out he wasn't getting he care or attention he needed. When we got there this summer, they were trying to teach him to be gentle. He has tendencies to randomly slap or pull hair and such. We would just say "nu," take his hand and gently touch our face instead or some thing. But he is doing so much better! It's been so much more fun to play with him, knowing your face isn't in as much danger. He is just the cutest child, even though he always seems to be pulling something off the table, knocking the laundry pile down, or standing on his head in his crib.
"Andrew"-- this is not the same Andrew as the one in the neighboring room. My Andrew is probably 8 years old, and he is a much bigger boy than we sometimes remember. He is skinny and tall! But he is wheelchair bound as well, so we sometimes forget how big he is. He is blind and very ticklish! He has a huge smile, and he loves being touched. We like to lay him on he big exercise ball, so he can stretch out. He just likes it, because he loves being upside down. He is blonde with the bluest eyes ever. He is just a big sweetheart. We feed him with a bottle as well. He is pretty strong, and isn't as sickly as some of the others. He does need help sucking the bottle sometimes.
"Lauren"-- this beautiful 7 or 8 year old girl sometimes flies under the radar, because she never cries for attention or anything. She is blind and in a wheelchair as well. Like he others, she has a tendency to seize up when she is over-stimulated by sudden noises or movements. She has such beautiful thick hair. I wish they grew it out more! When I hold her, her body is so stiff that it usually stays in the seated position the whole time while I rub her back or rock her gently. She has some moments when I can tell she is at least not unhappy, if not..happy haha. She is a bit tricky to hold sometimes, just because she chokes on her saliva if she isn't upright, but if you lean her forward at all, she drools it all over you haha. Like many of the kids, she came from a home where was was neglected and not given care or attention. So I am so glad she is at the orphanage and seems so strong!
"Lerisa"-- this little gremlin is one of the most entertaining in the room haha. She is 2 years old and has Down syndrome. She is so cute! She can't walk, but we have been trying to help her build up leg strength by propping her up between our knees while we sit (so she is mostly supporting her weight without having to balance) and also holding her hands to practice walking. But she is the MOST flexible human being ever. Her legs just flip all around and she is usually sitting in a split or something more drastic. She switches from a sitting position to crawling by lifting her feet from in front and rotating them behind her... It's tricky to describe. Also EVERYTHING goes into her mouth. She bites and slobbers and licks everything. We joke that she uses her tongue to communicate with morse code, because it's always popping out of her mouth. Also her nose is constantly snotty. She sounds kind of interesting, I know, but she's the funniest little thing, and I love her.
"Annie"-- she is 8 or 9 as well, blind, and wheelchair-bound. She has dark hair and some big teeth that stick out when she smiles, and boy- is it a cute smile! She often cries and doesn't take it lightly when we stop giving her attention. She is SO funny. You can tickle her or blow raspberries on her and she will LAUGH so loudly. She makes the funniest babbling noises, and just yells so loudly haha. She has the most adorable laugh, and she just is SO happy the instant you start holding her or playing with her. One time, all it took to set her off laughing was me walking into the side room where she lay in bed; she heard my feet slapping on the floor and thought it was so funny apparently. I started stomping my feet and she just kept cracking up.
"Malena"-- this chica is adorable. She is 5 or 6, and she is the one who was born with club foot. She just recently got her casts off, though! We had visited her in the hospital on some days when she was getting her casts redone. She hates the hospital so much, she sometimes refused to go on fun excursions from the orphanage, because she though it was a trick to get her to go to the hospital. She has the most beautiful face, and she loves to dance in her chair or in our arms. She gets excited when she sees us, when a song comes on, we do something funny, etc. and she will just scream with delight haha. Since her casts came off, she's been so eager to start walking. They've been working with her, and lately we have been able to practice with her so much! She is so excited, but very cautious. The fact that when she can walk, she gets to go back to her mom is a big motivator. I'm not sure what her home life is like... I hope that she will still get enough attention there. Malena and Maria are very vocal and animated, just typical little girls who like playing with the hair accessories and dancing. They used to hate each other, but over the summer they have started to get along better. They are still pretty jealous of each other, mostly in terms of the attention we give them. Even though she can be pretty demanding and pouty, she is such a lovable, beautiful girl who just wants to be loved and included.
"Maria"--Maria is 5 or 6, and she was born without a sacrum bone. As a result, she has these tiny little legs that she folds up under her in her wheelchair. If she is on the ground, she just pulls herself around with her arms while her legs/body make up a third point of the triangle. She is speedy. Maria is a very bright little girl, who loves to repeat English things we say and laugh at our Romanian. Lately, Maddie has taught her to say "I got you, babe" whenever she surprises/tricks her. It's one of the cutest things ever. Maria is very sweet and hyper. She loves dancing with us and washing her hands in the sink, for some reason. When you hold her, she loves to lay down and then flip her body over backwards and almost flip out of your arms, so you have to be pretty awake haha. She and Malena love to pretend to be asleep in your arms or "hide" while Maddie and I pretend to have no idea where they are.
"Steven"--this 2 year old was only in our room for part of the summer before he moved to the Bambi room with the more mobile children. We had been practicing walking with him, and he is doing better now, but he still likes to lay on the floor more than walk. He is a little blond boy who has the sweetest smile, and always looks sleepy. He loves being tickled or playing with musical toys. He has a bad habit of sticking things in his ears, and he spent a while in the hospital with a really bad ear infection. He is a sweetheart, who needs to learn how to play with other children and speak! Such a cutie. He has this funny habit now of putting his hand on his nose and then saying "ba ba ba BA!" And opening his hand and reaching out on the last, high "ba!"
"Daniel"--this little boy is probably 6 years old, and he moved to the Bambi room when Stevan did. He is in a wheelchair, and he has a large head that is a little differently shaped. It is just one of the things that make him so dang cute. He loves attention and can whine if he doesn't get it. He loves playing with people's hands. He and I first bonded over me making "shark hands" and "eating" his fingers as he reached his hand out to me with his little crooked smile. He also loved to grab my finger and move it around until I would say "beep." Then he would move it faster and faster as the "beeps" got faster and eventually ended in me tickling him. He loved funny sounds, like me tapping on the wall or running my fingers over the bars of his crib. The "got your nose/knees/feet/head" game was a major hit with him as well. He LOVED being held, and quickly memorized the "ridey horsey" song, until he was throwing himself backwards before I even dipped him down." I would sometimes take him to the mess hall for lunch, where I would feed him his little meal. It was so precious how hard he would laugh just when I played the "airplane" game with his food, flying the spoon around before it ended in his mouth. Such a cutie.
"Patty"---this chica is 9 years of age approximately, and she is loud haha. She loves attention and is always yelling, "hai!" which is Romanian for "come here" or "let's go" sort of. We used to think she was just saying"hi!" and was excited to see us. She loves getting her chair pushed around, and she loves attention. Her wrists are constantly bent down at a 90 degree angle, so it limits what she can do when she plays with us. Usually I will put a ball on the tray by her, and she will push it off with her hand. I catch it and put it back on, and this game goes on forever. She LOVES being held. As soon as she knows you are trying to unstrap her from her chair, she starts screaming and squirming and just grinning. Dancing with her or dipping her so she can have her head upside down make her so happy. Oh, and sometimes she whines to go visit her friend in the neighboring room (this adorable little ginger with the cutest freckles in the world). The workers put their chairs next to each other, and they just sit there so happily, staring at each other or reaching out and touching each other's head/hands. So precious.
"Xavier"-- how do I even begin? There is no description of him that I can write that would do him justice. It's all the little stories put together. I'm not going to attempt to capture the essence of him through a little paragraph. That's what I've been doing all summer. And that chapter comes to a close with my summary of the orphanage this week.
On Monday, I decided I should tell him that I had 5 more days at the orphanage before I went home to America. It was done in very broken Romanian, but judging by the look on his face (and the fact that he has said these types of goodbyes for years) I think he understood. It was his pouty face, but not his typical, fake "play with me, not them" face. It was different. He sort of pulled his mouth down into an even deeper frown from the pouty lips as if to say, "don't do that." And I know that it sounds silly to some of you, but after a summer of non-verbal communication with him, that's the closest meaning I can pin to that facial expression.
I went on to tell him that new girls would be coming soon! No face change.
"You don't like other girls?" *shakes head and continues to pout.*
"Just me, huh?"
*starts to grin and nod slowly*
So, that was a good start. We just kept playing after that, and I think he forgot all about it. I just didn't want to spring it on him on my last day. The week was full of tender moments and me dreading saying goodbye to those sweet children. I know everyone says that Alex is in love with me, but here's the part you didn't know: I think I have a crush on him too. Maybe you figured that out already.
Anywho, that boy has stolen my heart. When I come in in the afternoons, my friends tell me "your boyfriend was looking for you when we got here!" Apparently, sometimes he will look at them and just keep looking up the path to see if I'm there yet. But when I walk in and the afternoon, he has this smile that is undescribable. Wide-open, looking kind of sly, just so excited. I don't know how to explain it. It just grabs my heart.
Either that, or he will avoid my eye contact when he gets rolled in, and I will tease him by asking the others, "unde este Alex? Nu știu!" (Where is Alex? I don't know!) He always laughs as we keep it going for a while and he will smile as she stares up at the ceiling. Basically, he is the best.
We had to say a lot of goodbyes in the last few weeks. To the hospital children and the different orphanage workers before we ever said goodbye to the children at the orphanage. One of our workers is a younger girl in her early twenties, who was always so nice to us and great with the children. Her name was Andrea, and she got Cammy, Maddy, and I all some Romanian bread, a Rom bar, and a little Romanian magnet as a goodbye gift. It was so stinking sweet of her.
The day before we left, we were saying goodbye to another one of our beloved orphanage workers, and she said to us, "The children will cry when you leave, because you play with them in such a crazy way!" It is true. We don't hesitate to look like total idiots to make those kids happy. Sometimes the workers laugh at us, but they know why we do it. It's all for the kids.
I reminded Xavier the day before, that the next day was my last. Again, the sad faces broke my heart. But then we kept playing and put it off until the next day. When I walked in on Friday afternoon for our last couple hours at the orphanage, I was panicking. I wanted to hold everyone. But I also didn't want to ever put any of them down. I just didn't know how to stop that little slot of time. I actually felt major anxiety from the fact that I wanted to give my attention to everyone. I was dreading goodbye.
Of course, time flew by that day. I held as many of the kids as I could and went in to play with/say goodbye to those who were in their beds for the afternoon. I know most of them couldn't understand, but in a way that made it harder. I just couldn't stand the fact that after I left, they wouldn't know that I exist, much less that I love them. They all just need so much love, and I wish that my wallet were as full as my heart is these days, so I could be the one to stay and give them that love.
Finally... I said goodbye to Xavier. I put it off for as long as I could. I said all my goodbyes. Malena and Maria understood pretty well, so I got some good long hugs from them. I just stood by Xavier while Maddy and Cammy finished their goodbyes. He held his arm up for hugs from each of them and then looked to me expectantly. But I stayed back. I didn't want to hug him yet, because then I'd really be saying goodbye.
Around then, Xavier looked at Maddy and saw that she was crying as she said goodbye to Maria. He turned and looked at me, rapidly flashing his eyes between us, as if to ask why she was crying. I just talked to him, but as I explained why she was crying, the tears started to catch up to me too... And he saw.
He just looked at me. Just stared at me with concern. I tried to laugh it off and just tell him I was going to miss him. Teo came in then, and she helped me with my goodbye present. I had purchased some ribbon that was the color of the Romanian flag. I cut up the ribbon, dividing it into long strips of red, gold, and blue and braided them into a bracelet. Then I took the red and blue and a white strip of fabric from my shirt to make a bracelet the color of the U.S. Flag. Then, with Teo's help, I gave it to Alex. This way, we both had a bracelet that would remind us of the other country, where the other was living. He looked so excited as we tied his on.
Then it was really time. So I hugged him. I know I've explained how his hugs are extremely tight and difficult to escape. This one was different. This time, he brought his arm down and just sort of... Held it there. No squeezing. Just a hug between two friends who would miss each other. By this time, as you can imagine, I am sobbing.
After two more hugs, I kissed him on the cheek and walked out of Mickey Mouse 1. Before I walked through the second door in the hallway, I turned back and looked at Xavier... And I saw something that broke my heart. I don't want to say that he was crying, because there was no way to tell from there, but... There was some sort of sadness in his expression that I have never seen there before. I thought my heart was going to drop out of my body. I just waved through the tears, blew him a kiss, and said "te iubesc!"
And just like that... it was over.
Yes we had some more goodbyes before we left, but for me? That was it. Walking down that hall was nearly impossible, and my heart was so heavy I couldn't stay there any longer if I couldn't be in there with the children. I changed and walked home ahead of the rest of our group, just thinking and crying.
As I walked through the orphanage gates for the last time, I stopped and looked back at the place I had devoted my summer to. Tears (of course) and a prayer sprang up.
"Heavenly Father, I've failed in a lot of ways this summer. I have lost my patience, I have judged others, I have been jealous, I have been angry. I know that. But... I brought some love into those children's lives. And, Heavenly Father, all that I ask is that you let them keep that. Let it stick. Please just please bless them with that. That's all I can ask for. I don't need them to remember me, but just please help them to remember the love."
And that was probably the most sincere I have offered this summer, if not in my life.
Then I walked home. And honestly, more things have happened since then. But I don't really want to write about them. None of them sound nearly as important to me as what I just relived again to write this.
So here is the briefest summary I can give---the next day we took a van to Bucharest. They initially tried to scam us out of a trailer we paid for and pack everything into the van, but we got it sorted out and rode the 7ish hours across the countryside of Romania in a non air conditioned van. I really don't mind long car rides, though. I actually really enjoy just listening to music while feeling the road bump along beneath me. We passed field after field of sunflowers. It was interesting seeing them at the end of the day, when they aren't open to the sun.
We stayed in a hostel for three nights. The first night, we got there late, so I just went out to the bar and watched a Romanian soccer game with a bunch of strangers in the hostel bar then went to bed. The next day we went to church in the local branch before heading out to "Old Buch" (the city was actually just built on top of the old buildings from before. You can see the ruins under glass at some areas). We went to the new bookstore (IT'S BEAUTIFUL) there, and I dorked out pretty badly. I bought "William Shakespeare's 'The Empire Striketh Back'" and the Silmarillion. So I am pretty excited for the flight home.
Then we just went out to get milkshakes and food and souvenir shopped. We found this antique place that was AMAZING in this old Russian church. So cool. I could have looked there for hours. The rest of the night was spent in front of the fan in the hostel, because there was no AC and we were melting.
Monday, we went to the huge park and rented bikes! I say 'rented,' but the first two hours were free for some reason? Not complaining. We rode all around the lake and just took in the beauty. At one point, the path ended, but I decided to climb up the steep dirt path to the side. There was a big railroad bridge that had a great view! And a path that we used to cross to the place the bike path started up again. After that we went to dinner at this place called Care cu Bere, and man it was classy. We felt out of place. But their lunch deal was a four course meal for only 20 lei (about 5 dollars), so it was amazing. Then we went to walk around the parliament building ("The People's Palace") and played on a giant playground.
Then packing, then a few hours of sleep, and tadah! Here I am, writing this blog post. And I KNOW I said I didn't want to write about any of that stuff, but I'm a word-nut, so once I start writing, I struggle to just keep it simple. I figure, if I don't want to remember the specifics, why am I even writing?
But yeah. I'm finishing this up on the airplane as I got over the Atlantic Ocean. I'm coming home to America.
I think I'm supposed to close this with a sappy conclusion about what I have learned. But the truth is... I don't know yet. I don't think I will even fully comprehend how this trip has affected me until I am out living life. Maybe sometime I will be in a situation, and I have a reaction, response, thought that is different than it would have been before. Maybe I won't even notice THAT change.
I won't lie and say that I haven't changed (even though I don't feel all that different). It's something in my heart. I have said a million times that this trip has stretched my heart. That's really the best way to describe it. You know how a new hair tie can only loop around your ponytail maybe twice when you first use it? And it kind of pinches your wrist sometimes when you have it there, because it is still too tight. But with time, it stretches out and gradually you can twist it three times, and boy, does it make a difference. It holds your hair better. It sits on your wrist more comfortably.
That is kind of what my heart is doing. I have forced it to stretch, and now... It can do more. It's more resilient. Now when I think about it and look in at it... I'm more comfortable with it. I'm more comfortable with who I'm becoming. I'm not sure how that is going to manifest itself yet. I DO hope that I will be able to go on being a weirdo in public and with friends without shame. But it may be a more quiet confidence, which is something I want too. It honestly is going to take some more practice, because my heart is a work in progress.
It's strange that this summer was all for me. I wanted to grow and learn and experience things. But at the same time, it was ALL about the children. It truly is a miracle how we find ourselves by losing ourselves in service to others.
Now I'm not saying that I think I'm a terrible person or anything, but like I said before-- I have messed up a lot. I could have done so much better. I need to do so much better. I feel like my unchristlike thoughts and actions are still there just as much. But my heart has been just charged up so much by those children and their love and their examples-- I just have to take that energy and use it to change the things about me that keep me from being more like a loving, humble child. That's what those children gave me.
I know that there is really no way of even coming close to describing what this summer was to me, to all of us. But I hope that in the future, I will be able to be the kind of person who can share some of the love I bottled up in that little orphanage. And maybe, I will have figured out how to truly share that love with those around me. And maybe, you'll be able to feel that. And maybe, just maybe, you will be able to scratch the surface of understanding the summer when my heart was stretched, broken, remade, and filled by the children in this city in Romania.
In the meantime, I'll just comfort myself with the wise words of Winnie the Pooh: "How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."
Stay classy, America.
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