Be Still, My Soul

Disclosure: there were no vacations or exciting day trips this week. So if you are bored by the orphanage/hospital talk, just keep on scrolling.


This week flew by. Which is the opposite of what you'd expect when there was nothing unique breaking up my schedule from the daily routine. But that's just what made it go so quickly! I decided to stop thinking of it as a routine.


I have this bad habit of getting into the habit of things. I like having a ritual, whether it is my morning or nightly ritual, I just feel good when I have things down and I know what I'm doing and do it over and over. Well the problem with that habit is that I think it was starting to make me think of things in a "tomorrow you have to do this, this, and this" way rather than being excited about the rare opportunity that this is. Because honestly, I am so blessed to be here!


I've made a conscious effort this week to remember how my time here is an opportunity. Nobody is making me get up early and go to the orphanage. So why am I doing it? Because I love those kids, and I love that I get to be a part of something this meaningful. And since that's true, I need to be more positive and get excited about this work! And since I've decided that, my time has flown by so much faster. Which is ironic, because I don't want it to go TOO quickly, now that I'm loving more every day.


Anywho, time to update y'all on my week. Basically, this week has been full of tender moments-- at the orphanage, the hospital, even the kindergarten (gasp!). Let's start with the orphanage.


There is this fragile little boy, "Duncan" for the sake of this blog, who I think I can safely say stole our hearts with his first smile. He is about two years old but is tiny and frail. He has some health problems with his lungs on top of his disabilities and visual impairments, so he often struggles to breathe. Basically, seeing him makes you want to cry. But when you pick him up he just curls into a little ball of joy. The biggest smile breaks across his face, and you just never want to put him down, because you don't want to risk it going away.


Well, the other day I held him/danced with him for about half an hour before I decided to try putting him down. Finally I sat down and held him on my lap, his head supported by my chest since he can't do it himself. I rocked from side to side slowly because he just loves movement. Eventually I realized he had fallen asleep in my lap. He was so peaceful I didn't dare try to lay him down, because I didn't want to wake him up. So I just kept rocking slowly, and eventually I started to slouch down more and more on the bed I was sitting on. Eventually we got to the point where he was practically laying flat on my body, and I closed my eyes too and almost fell asleep with that little angel asleep on me for about an hour.


It's moments like that when I wish I could take pictures in the orphanage. Just because it was such a sweet moment to me, and I want a picture so I can see and remember it for years. As I lay there, I started to feel a lot of excitement for moments like that in my future when I am a mom. I know it's rare as a mom to have time to just curl up and take a nap with your child, but dang it, I intend to, because it would be so wonderful.


When Xavier came in from outside, he was ready to play. And he was not happy that I had to turn him down, because I was holding a sleeping Duncan still. He kept using his eyes to tell me to put the baby down haha. And when that didn't work he tried getting the attention of the other workers to get them to take Duncan for me. Eventually, he woke up on his own, but it was funny to see how Xavier was so jealous of my attention! What girl doesn't like feeling appreciated for her time? Haha!


Anywho, I decided to try a new game with Xavier this week... Soccer! An adapted version of soccer at least. I set up a chair a few feet in front of his wheelchair, hold a ball out, count to three and drop it. He then kicks somewhat spastically and sometimes hits the ball. Sometimes it even rolls into the goal! We both get very very excited when that happens haha. I started doing a fist bump with him after he scores, so I hold out my fist and say "knuckles!" After a lot of effort he lifts his arm up and I bump his hand with my own.


Like all of the games we play, he never gets sick of this one. But I don't get sick of this one either! He is always so excited to play it. When he comes in he starts directing me to grab a chair, where to put it, which ball to use, and he kicks his legs at the air to make sure I understand, all the while grinning that sweet smile of his. He is something else.


I have had a worry on my mind for a while about him though... He is 17, so he is the oldest orphan there for sure. He's been there for so long, since the orphanage has the technology and treatments to take care of him. But... At what point are they going to say he is too old? I asked my head teacher where kids go who are too old for the orphanage. I didn't like the answer. Some of the children in my room just don't have the life expectancy that they will even make it to that point. But... There are adult/young adult orphanages. Apparently no one even talks about them in Romania, because they are just embarrassed by the quality of the place. I'm terrified by that. I want to do SOMETHING to help. I just hate the thought of it.


So with all the uncertainties that are on my mind about the orphanage, there are some things that are certain. Those children are sweet and need love and I'm so so happy to be the one to give it. Sometimes a child may just scream and whine for what seems like hours. But then when you pick them up, hold them, play with them... You realize that they must just be so lonely and bored all the time. If I were strapped into a stroller all day, I would probably be screaming too.


The hospital has been pretty rewarding this week too! I sometimes feel like we don't do much good there. Just annoy the nurses and weird out the child who is there for a day and has no idea what we are saying to him. But lately we've had some "regulars" who we've been able to get to spend more time with than normal. One boy we met there is going to be here for the next three months. The first day we met him he would barely even look at us. By the end of that day he played a bit but was quiet still. We've seen him several times now, and he is CRAZY haha. He talks and runs around, climbs under stuff, plays with us. He has warmed up to us so much. He is an orphan at a different orphanage than the one we work at, so it's nice knowing where he will be going back to after this summer.


There is a teenage girl who is in his room, named Ana, who isn't an orphan but has been there a while. We e become pretty good friends with her. She plays cards with us and speaks to us in English. The other day she saw me trying to fix my hair and had me sit down on the bed so she could braid it for me. Felt like I was in tangled when the little girls braid Rapunzel's hair. 'Twas glorious. 

One of our favorite moments, however, has to be with this burn victim. This nurse restored my faith in the workers at the hospital. She came and asked us if we could come visit another child, which of course we were happy to do. She told us that he had been badly burned when his shirt caught fire while playing around a fire on the street with his friends. Since he's been at the hospital, somebody stole his electronic tablet, and he was just heartbroken. The nurse wanted us to cheer him up. After introducing us to him, I asked the nurse about his family situation. Apparently, he has parents, but they have not come visit him once since he's been there. And he's been there at least a couple weeks. So wrong. The nurse said that the boy should be ready to be released soon, but before she lets him go she's going to talk to he parents and determinedly they never came. If they don't care for their son, she said she would send for CPS. I'm thankful for people like her who truly care about the children they're working with.


Anywho, when we first saw him, he looked positively miserable. After a long while of us giving him stuff to play with and acting like idiots to make him smile, he opened up to us little by little. Seeing his smile later on as we played with him was one of the most beautiful sights I've seen in all of this country so far.


Teaching has been pretty interesting. I can't tell if I'm starting to care less about my lessons failing or if I just am loving the kids more haha. They have their shining moments. And their not so shining moments. They know how to push you to the edge and right as you are teetering on that cliff, they will come over and pull you down so they can kiss your cheek or say in a thick accent "teacher, I love you!" Or "oooh beautiful hair!" Regardless, I am starting to enjoy my time there even with all the sweat and screaming and chaos. 

That is my "No, I'm pretty sure I gave you a pretzel already and you ate it" face during my edible bracelet lesson.

This girl is my number 1.

This is a more realistic depiction of what the school is like. Please not the child under the table and the one sitting on top of it. 

I call this one "Girl on table, feat. my shoulder as I step forward to lay down the law (finally)."

Not sure what my hands are doing here.

I think my time here is making me a more empathetic person... Which is actually a bad thing, because I already empathize an abnormal/unhealthy amount with people... Fictional or real. Seriously. If you've ever watched a movie with me, you know I cry in everything from Homeward Bound to Mr. Smith Goes to Washington. I've watched a lot of movies this week in my down time. I have cried during EVERY one. Seriously. It's getting ridiculous.


I also bought myself a cheep soccer ball at the mall so I can practice a bit. Unfortunately there aren't many open places around iasi where I could go practice. So my current field is our 6'x4' rug on the floor of our living room, where I practice tricks and juggling. I'm sure my neighbors below love it.


Oh speaking of neighbors, our crazy old man below us came barging in again. I was in the shower when he came into the apartment yelling that our bathroom was leaking into their apartment below. So luckily, my roommates were able to keep him from coming into the bathroom until I sneaked out into the bedroom. He means well, but since we don't speak the same language and he forces his way into our apartment, he makes us a tad uncomfortable.


Oh Sunday we went to a baptism for a baby in our orphanage! He got baptized in the Biserica Balpalarei, a beautiful, small church built in the 1600s. So cool! The ceremony was beautiful. I have to say, my favorite part was listening to the priests singing. There were several polyphonic chants that just resonated in the church, and it was SO beautiful. I sat there thinking about how different our church is from this Romanian Orthodox Church. But at the same time, it was beautiful and the ceremony was a manifestation of people living their life in a way that remembers The Savior. No matter the differences, we have that in common-- we are all children of God seeking to come closer to Him to the best of our ability, however we know how to do that.

It was a lovely day, and now that I can cross off "write blog" from my to-do list, I can finally eat my chocolate cake that I've been bribing myself with all day. I'm pretty flipping excited.


Things are good here. They are great. And I'm excited to be a part of it, if only for a short few months.

Also everyone in Utah should stop getting married while I'm gone. That'd be great, thanks.

Guess who is determined to learn Romanian? This girl! I just want to be able to communicate with my best friend when she gets home from her mission here. Then we can have a secret language, muahaha. Yesterday I was pretty productive. I wrote in my journal, practiced ASL, did a Romanian verb conjugation lesson, and practiced soccer a bit.


I know this last part of the blog seems kind of discombobulated-- that's because I am throwing things in that I forgot/I was going to post yesterday but now I'm including today's events too. Today in the orphanage, a child threw up on me. Quite a bit. Only about an hour into our time there too ha. But things got better! I played the soccer game with Xavier until it was time for me to leave. He did his usual puppy dog pouting face, and then I decided to try hugging him. I held my arms out and waited for him to lift his up. Grinning, he slowly raised his arm high enough for me to fit under, and I hugged him. Turns out he is really strong. Once his arm clamped down, it was pretty difficult to get out again haha. It was a really sweet moment though.


On our way out of the hospital today, we looked out the window to see a mini hurricane raging outside. It is a solid 30 minute walk home, however, and we decided to brave it. It was pouring. Huge rain drops, crazy wind. The street was completely flooded, coming up to our mid-calves in sections. I tried not to think about the dog poop and cigarette buttes that were floating in them. But let me just tell you how much I LOVE the rain. Did I mention it was thundering and lightning? Easily one of my favorite experiences here so far. Feeling the rain completely soak you is just one of those feelings that never gets old. 

The "Before" Picture

During.

We had the classic stares from people, taxi and other drivers honking at us, and one mean person purposefully speeding through a puddle to send a wave of water splashing into us like in the movies. Luckily, we had already reached our saturation point, so it didn't really matter haha. The three of us probably looked like idiots (three completely soaked American girls running through the rain) but I didn't even care haha. 

After. This was a snapchat, so the quality looks all weird.

So in closing... You need to know that I watched a scary movie. It's important, stay with me. I watched "The Call," and I don't want to hear ANY comments from someone saying it's not scary. I was completely terrified, and I have been struggling to sleep ever since. I'm a wimp, I know. But I think a lot of it has to do with me being alone in a foreign country, sleeping alone in the living room, and feeling like every person I make eye contact with on the streets wants to hurt me.

In general, everything is great. But I'm human and have my down days/nights. Sometimes I find myself really stressing over money or my relationships with other people, or anything. Sometimes I just want to be home, back where I feel like I know what I'm doing and it's less stressful.  And to be honest, sometimes I feel really lonely. But those are just moments, and they don't have to last. Especially when I am a part of something this special.

Anywho, I've been listening to hymns to fall asleep, and last night I listened to "Be Still My Soul." Now, I've listened to that song a million times, but last night some of the words were especially powerful to me. So I want to close with them:



1. Be still, my soul: The Lord is on thy side;
With patience bear thy cross of grief or pain.
Leave to thy God to order and provide;
In ev'ry change he faithful will remain.
Be still, my soul: Thy best, thy heav'nly Friend
Thru thorny ways leads to a joyful end.


3. Be still, my soul: The hour is hast'ning on
When we shall be forever with the Lord,
When disappointment, grief, and fear are gone,
Sorrow forgot, love's purest joys restored.
Be still, my soul: When change and tears are past,
All safe and blessed we shall meet at last.

Stay classy, America.